After drinking in the Tav since the age of 16 (and therefore a previous underage drinker myself) I thought I'd share with everyone my "Guide to Spotting a Kid in the Tav".

On Entering The Pub.....

All underage drinkers will walk straight past the front door (glancing in on the way), round the back of the pub and in through the back door. This gives them the opportunity to scope out the pub before they enter.

What happens next depends on the sex of the underage drinker.

Girls:
Girls will walk in the pub and head straight for the ladies toilets (see "Appearance of Underage Drinker") where they will spend 5 minutes touching up their (overly used) makeup and plucking up the courage to go to the bar. Underage girls will always enter the pub in pairs.

Lads :
Lads will walk into the pub and head straight for a table. They will then sit there, examine their coppers and decide which of the group should be nominated to take the risk and go to the bar. When the nomiated fella is attempting to get served the table will fall slient while they wait to see if they've suceeded in their challenge to buy a pint. Should the lad at the bar have any doubt at whether he will get served or not he will suddenly revert to buying a round of "Large Cokes" as a safe bet while they scope out the situation further.

Once the underage drinker has successfully bought a drink the next thing they do is proceed to find a seat (if they haven't done already). Anyone who regularly drinks in the Tav can automatically spot an underage drinker by where they ares sitting. The last thing the kids want is to be in direct sight of the bar where the bar staff can keep a watchful eye over them. The most popular place is on the table behind the games machine (you all know the one) as you are completely cut off from the bar. The second most popular place is round by the pool table.

Appearance of the Underage Drinker....

Girls:
Girls are always tarted up to the eyeballs in makeup and dressed as if they were going clubbing ie. Short tops and skirts (NB. not that we're complaining at this). The more makeup and the shorter the skirt, the younger the girl normally is.

Lads:
Lads are more difficult identify. They take the approach of being overly dressed in shirt and trousers, or the complete opposite and try to impersonate University students. Too much or too little facial hair can be a good indication of the age of the lad. Also look out for Tea Cosy's

Tips for Underage Drinker.....

Please note that this section is meant as a laugh and we are in no way encouraging underage drinking. If you're reading this and you're not 18 then you shouldn't be in the pub and you will be asked for ID.

• Do not attempt to smash up the toliets in a fit of rage. Just because you can't take your alcohol and get pissed too easily is not a valid excuse for doing this. It is a sure fire way to upset the Regulars and find yourself on a quick flight out of the front doors.

• Do not start puking after just 1 pint.If you do puke, When people ask what the chunks of carrot stuck to your face and down your jumper are, you know its time to go home.

• Do not attempt to grow full "out of control" facial beards to try and make yourself look older. This only results in making you look stupid and doesn't fool anyone.(Although it does provide much amusement for the rest of the pub).

• Do not buy one pint (or glass of coke) and try to make it last you all night. This is a dead give away. If your pocket money won't stretch to more than three pints then keep away.

• Don't pretend that you are best chums with a member of the bar staff that isn't working that night. Slipping their name into the conversation at the bar will not help you to get served. Comments like "Is Louise working. Did you know I'm best friends with her Aunty's friend's love childs sister" only make you look like a twat.

So there you have it. The Guide to Spotting an Underage Drinker in the Tav. If you can think of anything else to add to this let me know.